Battlestar Ohfraktica
by atoz
Summary: Alternate universes collide when characters from the old and new Battlestar Galactica shows switch bodies!
1. Chapter 1: Apollos and Tighs

BATTLESTAR OHFRAKTICA

Disclaimer: I do not own Battlestar Galactica.

Author's Note: This story takes place after "Fire in Space" (for old BSG) and before "Pegasus" for new BSG. Also, when the crew switches bodies, they see themselves in their own bodies but with different clothes, and hear their own voices. Curious…

It was a pleasant, perfectly normal day on the _Battlestar Galactica_…both of them. In parallel universes, the two ships were both running smoothly; no Cylons had attacked them, and no other problems had arisen. On one _Galactica_, Lt. Gaeta was preparing the routine jump coordinates. On the other, Adama was preparing the bridge for a faster, newer method of transportation that had been already used successfully once to evade the Cylons.

With the seemingly routine-ness of these missions, many of the more prominent crew members were asleep. Lee was in his rack, getting a few hours in before a patrol; Apollo, tired from playing with Boxey all evening, was also resting. Saul Tigh, after a crazy night with Ellen, was pleasantly snoring in his room; Colonel Tigh, worn-out by his endless duties, also slept peacefully. Boomer had just returned to his bunk after a patrol; Sharon, with little better to do, was asleep in her cell. Roslin was lying over a pile of unfinished paperwork (which Billy promptly gathered and completed); Pickering, proud member of the Quorum of Twelve, was getting what he called his "beauty sleep." Gaius had fallen asleep in his lab.

Neither _Galactica_ crew knew that two basestars (well, one each) were trailing them. One, in the command of the devious Baltar (who, at the moment, was snoozing in his favorite chair), was ready to try out its own new propulsion system and catch up with the fleet. The other, alerted by a raider scout that had managed to hide from _Galactica_'s dradis, was preparing to jump right in front of the fleet and take it by surprise.

Two ships jumped, and two initiated the new propulsion system…_at exactly the same time._

--------------------------------------------------------------

Apollo suddenly woke up to find cold water splashed on his face, and a woman staring angrily down at him. "What do you think you are, a fraking nugget? Since when does the CAG get up late for a patrol?!"

"CAG?" Apollo repeated dazedly, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. This woman was wearing a very strange uniform…then again, so was he…

"Don't frak with me," the woman said. "Get off your ass and into the launching bay."

"You are not being very kind, miss," Apollo said, standing up. "If you continue to behave this way, I'm going to have to tell my father…"

The woman suddenly burst into laughter. "Okay, fun's over, Lee. Now, seriously, come on…and no, I don't forgive you just because you made me laugh."

The woman threw a jacket at him. Apollo put it on, although it was unfamiliar to him. "New uniforms?" he said, frowning.

"Okay, I'm tired of this game," the woman said. "I'll be waiting for you in the launching bay. And next time it's 'wake up Lee' day, I'm not volunteering."

The woman left.

"Perhaps I should report her to Col. Tigh instead," Apollo said to himself, frowning.

-----------------------------------

"Daddy! Daddy, wake up!"

Lee opened his eyes. There was a little boy shaking him.

"Daddy, wake up!"

"I…I'm awake, but…where am I?"

Lee sat up. He was wearing strange clothes, and was in a strange room…

"Daddy, we need to go see Grandpa!"

"See Grandpa?" Lee repeated, his eyebrows raising.

"Yes, Grandpa Adama!"

"Oh…yes," Lee said distantly. "Of course, I…had forgotten…"

"It's not morning yet, but the ship broke somewhere, and Grandpa wants you to come talk to him and Colonel Tigh," the boy said. "Muffy told me."

A giant mechanical dog came bounding into the room, making mechanical barking noises. It was one of the most disgusting things he had ever seen.

"What a dream," Lee said dazedly.

"Come on, Daddy!"

"Where's…ah…where's Mommy?" Lee asked, wondering if it was an existing person or some fanciful dream woman.

"Mommy's with the Lords of Kobol," the boy said quietly, frowning confusedly.

Lee suddenly felt a chill. _Weird dream_, he thought again.

-----------------------------

"Colonel…Colonel, I am ever so sorry to wake you, but there has been a problem with the ship's engines…"

Colonel Tigh gritted his teeth and sat up. "Yeah, yeah, always trouble," he mumbled. He looked around. "What the hell?!"

These weren't his quarters. He turned to the messenger; he was wearing a strange uniform, with gold tassels…

"What the hell kind of joke is this?" Colonel Tigh demanded.

"It's…it's engine trouble," the messenger said.

"I mean this!" Colonel Tigh shouted, waving his arms.

"Sir, I'm afraid I don't know what you are referring to."

Tigh, cranky after just waking up, did not feel like discussing things further. "You know what I'm referring to! Answer me, you son of a bitch!"

The man trembled, tried to speak, then burst into tears and took off.

Colonel Tigh stomped out of his quarters, but the layout of the ship looked unfamiliar. He was starting to become increasingly nervous. "What's wrong with me?" he asked himself.

A woman who was passing stopped and turned to him. "Colonel, Adama wants to see you on the bridge," she said.

"Is…ah…is that where you're going?" Tigh asked.

"Yes," the woman said.

"Well…well good," Tigh said.

Tigh followed the woman up to the bridge, thinking, _I must be really drunk…I'm having hallucinations…there's a lesson here, Saul. Never drink something that Ellen gives you as a present! Ellen…wait, Ellen wasn't in the room with me! Where…_

"Commander Adama," the woman said, when they had entered the bridge.

Col. Tigh stared at a completely unfamiliar man. The man—who had indeed been introduced as Adama—smiled warmly back. "Good morning, Col. Tigh," he said with a bright smile. "How was your night? You had pleasant dreams, I trust?"

_This is definitely some kind of joke,_ Tigh thought. _They say engine trouble, and he's asking me about dreams? Unless this is a dream…_

"Where's Ellen?"

"Excuse me?"

"Ellen! Where is she?"

"I…I'm afraid I don't know…"

"Ellen, my wife!"

Adama's eyes brightened. "Why, Col. Tigh! You've gotten married? Why didn't you tell us?! What joyous news! And right before your birthday, too! What a truly special occasion this is!"

Everyone on the bridge cheered and clapped.

_Dream,_ Tigh decided.

----------------------------

Col. Tigh opened his eyes.

"Oh dear," he said out loud.

Immediately he recognized that there was another person sleeping very close next to him. Tigh grimaced and looked to his left, almost afraid to see who it was. To make matters worse, he didn't even recognize the woman.

_Some joke of Starbuck's_, Tigh thought. _Poor thing…I wonder who she is…no, on second thought, I don't…_

Tigh got out of bed and looked around.

_Starbuck's really outdone himself this time,_ he thought, looking around the trashy room, from broken bottles strewn about the ground, to a message that appeared to be written in blood, to scattered business papers, with much more besides.

_I don't recognize this room,_ Tigh thought. _He's gone through a whole lot of trouble…I'll bet he'd feel bad if he knew it wasn't my birthday until tomorrow. I'll pretend it's my birthday today, so he won't be upset…_

Then the woman woke up.

"Wow…some night, huh?" she asked with a grin.

"I imagine it was," Tigh said, looking around. "The decoration of this room is quite fantastic."

The woman laughed. "Yes, we really…_decorated_…"

"I…I don't think I know your name, miss."

"Oh?" the woman asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry, but…"

"So I'm not your wife anymore, am I?"

_Wife?_ Tigh thought. _Starbuck, this is more complicated than what you usually come up with…I'll bet you had help from the others on this one…_

"What am I, then?" the woman asked, when he didn't answer. "A Cylon?"

Tigh laughed, and so did the woman.

"Really, what's your name?" Tigh asked.

"Well, _really_…" the woman paused. "My name is…okay…my name is Cylon #317." She burst into laughter again.

Tigh winked. "Understood."

_Quite creative,_ he thought, as he walked out of his quarters.

Tigh soon realized that this wasn't even the _Battlestar Galactica,_ or at least not as he knew it. _They either seriously redecorated, or they actually moved me to another ship!_ Tigh thought, marveling at the uniforms. _And all for my birthday! Those men really care about me…_

Somehow, the first place Tigh managed to end up was the bridge.

"Why aren't you in uniform?" a man demanded.

Tigh blinked, looking down at his clothes. "Oh…I…I'm sorry…" he paused. "Wow," he said, looking around at the bridge.

Some of the bridge crew glanced at one another; a couple hid snickers. The man who had spoken was not happy. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Well, I was…" Tigh paused. _Starbuck, this is quite an adventure, getting all these people…_ "I was just with my wife, Cylon #317."

There was a moment of silence.

"Security," the man said through gritted teeth. _An amazing actor,_ Tigh thought. _He really looks angry…_

"Yes, sir?"

"Escort Colonel Tigh to the brig, immediately."

"Uh, aye, sir…"

"The brig!" Tigh said, as the guard grabbed him by the arm. "More fun there, eh?"

The guard didn't answer.


	2. Chapter 2: Boomers and Baltars

Chapter 2

Boomers and Baltars

Boomer yawned, then awoke.

He did not see the sunken bottom of Jolly's bunk above him. Instead, he saw a completely blank, white ceiling.

He sat up. He was in an enclosed area, there were bars…

He was in a prison.

Boomer was wearing some strange white dress-like garment. He felt perfectly fine, although a bit dizzy. _What am I doing in jail?!_

Then Boomer heard footsteps. He shifted his position on the bed; someone was coming to the door.

A man in a strange uniform approached. He smiled and picked up a telephone on one side of a cage.

Boomer went and picked up the other telephone.

"I just came by to say good morning," the man said with a smile.

"Great," Boomer said angrily. "Now why am I here?"

The man's smile faded, and he sighed. "I'm sorry…we've been trying to get you out, really, but Adama's firm on his opinion."

"What?! Why won't Adama get me out?!"

"He's still firm. I'm sorry."

"But…"

"Anyway, I'm on flight duty. I just came by to say hello…" the man looked around. "Well, I guess the Chief didn't show. Maybe he thought his work was more important than saying hello to you."

"What?! What are you…"

"I really have to go."

The man hung up the telephone. Boomer tried to say more, but he couldn't hear; the man smiled, waved, and kept walking.

"Why did Adama put me here?!" Boomer shouted to himself. He sat back down on the bed, but didn't have to for long; someone else came, this time with a guard.

The guard opened the door and put in a platter of food, but before Boomer could say anything, he closed it again. The man who had arrived with him now picked up the telephone.

"I made you breakfast," he said with a smile, rather like the one the other man gave him. It made Boomer feel a little less uncomfortable, and more like he was home on the _Galactica_, although he wondered if the brig really looked like this.

Boomer hastily glanced at the platter. "Yes, it's very…" he paused. Now that he looked at it, it _was_ very nice, not at all like prison food. "Hey, thanks," Boomer said. He realized he was starving.

"I noticed Helo leaving on my way in," the man continued. "I was afraid he had brought you food already, but…I guess he was so busy drinking and gambling _with Starbuck_ that he forgot to do something for you."

"Starbuck," Boomer said quickly. "Where…where is Starbuck?"

"I think…I think Starbuck's on duty…yeah…viper's going to be brought in…there's been some trouble with it…"

"Well, tell Starbuck that if there's any time I want to see him."

"See Helo?"

"No, see Starbuck."

"Oh…I…I got confused for a second there…it's hard to hear over these telephones, you know…anyway, I got you. I should see Starbuck in a couple minutes…I'll be sure to relay your message."

The man hung up and left.

Boomer sighed. _I'll bet this is some trick of Starbuck's…_

----------------

"MY BABY!!!!!"

Jolly woke up. "What in tarnation…"

"My baby! Where's…where's my baby?! Oh God…oh God…"

"Boomer?" someone said.

"_WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BABY?!!!_"

Jolly rolled off his bunk and grabbed the frantic Boomer by the shoulders. "Hey, calm down," Jolly said. "It's all right…it was only a dream…"

"MY BABY!!!"

"Your _baby_?" one of the pilots asked.

Sharon started breathing more slowly as she realized where she was…or, rather, where she wasn't. She wasn't in her cell. This room was large, with many bunks, and strange men wearing strange uniforms…

"Hey, Boomer, you okay?" one of the men asked.

Sharon slowly sat down on the bunk, realizing what this must be. Someone had killed her while she was asleep; her consciousness had been immediately transferred into this body without proper downloading procedure.

"Yeah," Sharon said. "Yeah, I…"

_My baby is gone,_ Sharon thought sadly.

"That must have been some nightmare, Boomer," Jolly said, as the whole Blue Squadron tried to go back to sleep.

"It sure was," Sharon whispered, as she climbed into bed. _I'm going to have to pretend to fit in,_ Sharon thought. _I'll have to find out where I am, who these people are…everyone's names…_

Sharon slowly started drifting back to sleep. Right before she lost consciousness, she thought, _Wait a second…why did he call me Boomer?_

--------------------------------------

Gaius Baltar was in the middle of a wonderful dream when something pulled him away and back to consciousness. He lazily opened his eyes, then closed them. He was still tired and wished he could return back to his dream.

Gaius suddenly realized he wasn't sleeping on a bed; he was sitting upright in a chair. He looked around the dark and blank room.

"I know this is your doing," he said out loud. "What did I do this time? Whatever it was, I don't deserve to be put in such a dismal place."

He paused for a moment, but Number Six did not respond. He focused his eyes on the dark patches of the room, expecting her to walk out but there was no one.

"Very funny," Gaius said, folding his arms. He could not feel his bare arms, though, but cloth. He looked down and found himself to be wearing some kind of clothing. He pulled the blanket away and realized he was wearing a purple, one-piece body suit. "Fine, fine. I'm sorry for…whatever it was."

The sound of what seemed like was an opening hatch was heard. There was an opening and a figure stepped inside. Gaius was so surprised, he nearly screamed but instead, found himself petrified.

The figure had a dark cloak which was draped over its body but its head was visible. Its face might have been made to vaguely represent a human one, but it was far from it. Two triangles were its eyes with moving red lights as its pupils. What made it most frightening, though, was its cranium, made from some type of clear material where a purple, artificial brain appeared to be busy with its array of blinking lights. There were no sound of footsteps as it approached but a strange humming, like that a computer makes, emanated from it.

"I'm very sorry to awaken you, Baltar," the thing began in a strangely pleasant voice, a purple light shaped like lips flashing when it spoke, "but our new propulsion system worked splendidly, and we have caught up with the _Galactica_ and are on a direct course for it. With the new laser guns equipped, we might be able to cripple the _Galactica_ and capture everyone as our prisoners."

The thing stared at Gaius, its red pupils moving back and forth. "Should we initialize the attack now?"

Gaius opened his mouth and closed it. After a moment's pause he opened it again and let out a nervous laugh. "Really, this is _very_ amusing, very elaborate, but I think that approaching me naked will get a better response."

The thing blinked a few times, but otherwise did not immediately respond.

---------------------------

Count Baltar's eyes snapped open. He was feeling good, as he did every morning, anticipating that this could be the day that he would destroy the _Galactica_. However, the moment failed as he noticed he was not in his throne room. He was sitting at a table; his head had been resting on the surface of a desk.

_What is this? This room is petty-sized! And it's so cluttered! Lucifer, if this is some attempt at a practical joke, I am not amused._

Baltar stood up. When he looked down, he was wearing a lab coat. _Okay…_

"Good morning, Gaius,"

Startled, Baltar turned around. A woman was standing behind him, wearing a red dress.

"Who are you?" Baltar demanded.

The woman tilted her head to one side and stood up. She scanned Baltar, frowning. "Gaius, what—"

"Gaius? You will address me as Count Baltar!"

The woman's face took on that of worry. She approached Baltar, shaking her head. Tears were in her eyes. "I…I had no idea how…fragile your mind is. If I had known that not having sex with you would make you go insane…"

"Sex? I don't know what you're talking about. I don't care about sex! My only concern is destroying the _Galactica_."

The woman's face reddened and anger burned through her.

"You're not Gaius," she said in a low voice through gritted teeth. She leapt at Baltar, a hand to his throat, and forced him against the wall.

"Where is Gaius?!" she said in a menacing voice, her grip tightening.

Baltar tried to break free, but she was too strong.

"Let me go!" he rasped.

"Tell me where Gaius is, or I will break your neck!"

Baltar suddenly felt afraid. He believed the words she said, but knew he could not show any fear, especially to a woman. "If you kill me, the whole Cylon fleet will come after you!"

The woman's grip lessened momentarily. Her eyes widened and she released her grip. Baltar leaned forward, breathing hard and fingering his neck. When he looked back up, she was gone.


	3. Chapter 3: Leaders and Cylons

A/N: I've decided to pick out a random member of the Quorum of Twelve to switch with Roslin. His name is Pickering. And no, there's no one named "Pickering" in the show. He is an original character that is a representation of a nameless character presented in the show.

Chapter 3

Leaders and Cylons

"Madam President?"

_Madam President?_

Pickering opened his eyes. He was staring at a stack of papers. It was then he noticed that he was sitting, his head resting against a hard surface.

"Madam President, are you all right?"

Pickering lifted his head and turned it to the direction that the voice was coming from. A young man wearing a suit was leaning near him.

"You shouldn't work so late. The instant you get tired, you should go straight to bed."

Pickering smiled. "I enjoy working into the wee hours of the night. I thank you for your concern, though."

He rubbed his hands together and looked about him. The room was very strange and not at all familiar. He did not remember wandering into a room like this one, but then again, he remembered very little of what he had done last night. He figured he had just gone back into his room like the rest of the Quorum, but apparently that wasn't the case. _Perhaps the staff decided to give me that office I always wanted. Looks nice but could use some furnishings._

"Should I get you some coffee?"

"Coffee?" Pickering asked, raising his eyebrows.

The young man suddenly became nervous. "For…for the morning. To help get you up."

"I think I can get up on my own," Pickering said and began to stand up when he saw the outfit he was wearing. He repressed a cry.

The young man put a hand on his shoulder. "I'll get the doctor."

"Doctor? No, no, dear lad, I don't need a doctor, it's just…these clothes."

"What—"

"They're really charming!"

Pickering struck a few posses as he looked down at his body. He was getting rather tired of wearing the same thing every day and this outfit was rather ingenious. _It's the thing I've always wanted without consciously knowing it._

The young man patted him on the shoulder. "Why don't you rest some more?"

Pickering sat back down in the chair. "Now that you mention it, I would like some of this 'coffee.'"

The young man looked baffled, but did not voice whatever was on his mind. Instead, he bowed his head. "Of course, madam president."

---------------------

"Centurion 271."

Number Six was suddenly awake, her eyes looking directly at a bulky figure with shining silver armor. A gun was in one of its hands and a sword was at its side.

It spoke again but its voice was so mechanical that Number Six did not understand. She realized her movements felt restricted. She looked down at herself and saw that she was wearing the same armor. _This is not part of God's plan,_ she thought.

The figure spoke again, saying something about disassembly. Number Six turned her attention back to the figure. _In any case, this must be one of God's tests._

"What was that?"

She listened carefully as it spoke. "Go on your patrol this very centon or you will be disassembled."

_What exactly is this? A dream? No, I s__hould not question God's methods, but merely carry out His will__. But what does God want me to do? Should I resist? No, that would be foolish. I should try to go along with it, take note of everything I observe, and then make my move._

"Of course, right away."

Number Six walked off, feeling very slow and bulky in the armor, but due to her cylon training, she was able to walk with all her grace. _Let's see what I can find out._

------------------------

President Roslin felt someone gently nudge her. She opened her eyes, expecting to see Billy, but instead was looking into a stranger's face.

"Sir, it is eight o'clock."

Roslin looked around. There were many strangers around her, all wearing similar white robes. There were many women around, whose hair styles were awkward, something which made them out of place. She turned her attention elsewhere and noticed she was in a very luxurious room, filled with many expensive-looking trinkets and pictures. She was asleep on a large bed with many pillows, including a few stuffed animals. The blankets were made of some type of material made to resemble white fur, or it actually was white fur…

"Would you care for some breakfast?" another one of the strangers asked.

_This is one of the more elaborate hallucinations I've had,_ Roslin thought. _I better remember as much as possible._

"Certainly," she responded.

Three of the strangers bowed and departed.

_Hmm…three leaving. Let's see, the number three occurs throughout the Scriptures. There are three disasters, three beasts of burden, three children…no wait, that was three children plus two more._

Roslin sighed, wishing she could have paid better attention while reading the Scriptures.

--------------------

Cylon # 271 awakened from its regenerative cycle. The first thing it saw was a man and woman looking down at it.

"How do you feel?" the man asked.

"Humans," it said, quickly rising, "you will be destroyed."

It tried to reach for its blaster, but it was not there. It tried for its sword but it was missing as well. Instead, it noticed a strange fabric covering some of its armor.

"So you do have a sense of humor," the female said, sounding sarcastic.

Cylon 271 grabbed the fabric and ripped it off, tossing the remains on the floor.

"Umm," the man said, looking nervously at the female.

The female pulled out a syringe from her pocket and jumped the cylon. It tried to fight back but the needle punctured through its armor. A feeling of weakness and dizziness came over it before it fell back into another regenerative cycle.


End file.
